Emotional Mess

Yes, that is what I am an emotional mess & it is no wonder with all the things going on right now, not to mention all the silly hormones I am on for the upcoming IVF transfer.

Daddy as I have mentioned before is not going to get any better & it is really hard to deal with, as you can imagine. He doesn't seem to know who any of us kids are & sometimes doesn't even respond to Mama. We had a meeting with the Hospice social worker last week & they will start coming in at least twice a week. The meeting was difficult & sad, but unfortunately it had to be done.

I am still progressing towards a tentative IVF transfer date of early/mid Feb. I should know more on Friday after I go in for my next monitoring session with labs & ultrasound.

The adoption process is pretty much the same, but we do have some concerns about not getting any response from birthmothers. I have a call into our coordinator & hopefully she will call me back today. I will give more updates later.

Then to top it all off we are in deadline at work & our magazine goes out next Tuesday. Now since I was out of work for 7.5 days with me being sick & then Daddy being in the hospital it has made my work load heavier. I am finally getting caught up, but I am just so tired, emotional & have a terrible tension headache that meds don't seem to touch. Oh & I totally forgot to mention that I am on Weight Watchers & I had lost 13 lbs but I have gained 5.5 in the last week - I am a stress eater.

I need some Calgon or a serious vacation.

I'm it!!!

I was tagged by Kristi

The Rules: Link (somehow I couldn't do that...) to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.

Share 5 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, -OR-
Share the 5 top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list, -OR-
Share 5 things you never pictured being in your future when your were 25 years old.

Tag a minimum of 5, maximum of 10 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs (I couldn't do that either...)

Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. The tagees have a choice of which they want to do.

Here are 5 random facts about me:
1. I have a scar above my right eye (sort of under my eyebrow) from the multiple eye surgeries I had as a
child to correct cataracts. I still can't see very well out of that eye.
2. I have always wanted to ride a hot air balloon, but a I deathly afraid of heights (go figure). We even had
tickets to take a ride for a year, but we never went.
3. I would love to own a lot of land & have a ton of animals, including a horse.
4. I became a Christian at the age 15.
5. I hated church camp. I know everyone loves it, but I was a shy kid (sometime still a little shy) & it was a
nightmare for me.

OK- I don't really have anyone to tag, now what???

It's almost time

I got my newest orders from my IVF nurse yesterday afternoon & it is getting closer to the time for the transfer. Yesterday morning I went to REACH for labs & ultrasound, then my nurse called me with me orders. I am now doing 5 units of Lupron & I started my Estrogen patches yesterday too. I am to continue my Lupron shots until told otherwise & I change out my patches every other day. On the 23rd I will remove the one I am wearing now & replace it on a different site. Then on the 25th I remove that one & replace with 2 patches, the 27th I replace with 3 & the 29th & 31st I replace with 4 patches. My lower half is going to look like a checker board or poka dots. Then on Feb. 1st I will go in for more labs & ultrasound + they will also be able to tell me when the actual transfer will be. The tentative date right now is the 2nd week in Feb, but it looks like it may be later in the week or the weekend. This is getting so exciting - I can't wait!!!

Where's the snow???

I am not sure how all of you feel, but I was a little disappointed that we didn't get very much snow. The snow was really pretty while it was falling, but no accummulation - Boo!!! I know all the kids in the area were disappointed too. I had already planned on staying in all weekend & cleaning the house from top to bottom. It really needed it, but I ended up not doing it. I did wash a lot of clothes & straighten up some but Chris is off today & said he would clean the house. What a great husband I have, I am so grateful.

Yesterday I went with my oldest sister Karen & Mama to visit my 90 year old grandmother, Gram. It was great to see her. She only lives in Charlotte which is about 30 minutes from our house, but since we changed churches a couple years ago we don't see her as often now (my sibling & I, Mama still goes to church with Gram on Sunday mornings). We had a great time with her.

We also went to go visit Daddy at the nursing home before we went to church last night & I wasn't really happy with our visit. He looked & acted a lot more alert last week. Of course Mama, did remind me that it was late in the day & I was used to seeing him earlier in the day. He didn't really seem to know who Karen, Chris or I was, which was a little distrubing, but he knew who Mama was. Unfortunately this will probably continue, but I am just not ready to deal with it yet. He did so good last week & talked to us, but not yesterday. His eyes were almost translucent & he was looking right through us, it was just weird. Mama kept asking him if he knew who we were & he didn't respond at all. She said after we left he ate dinner & she quizzed him again to see if he knew who had been there & he still didn't answer her, so who knows. Daddy did have a lot of visitors on Saturday morning, some good friends of the family came up from Ocean Isle Beach to see him & he knew who they were & talked to them, but that was gone by yesterday. We even asked him about his visit with them & still no response. Maybe it was just a bad day for him, who knows.

Returning to life as we know it - or something close to it

My sibling & I, even my mom all went back to work on Friday & it actually felt really good. It was a little hard to get out of the bed & go into work but it was worth it. I wasn't sure I would make it through the day still being sick & taking all my meds, but I did. Speaking of my meds, I think they might be making me sicker. They are tearing my stomach up, but I am going to try & tolerate it so I can get better. I really don't like the idea of switching antibiotics & starting over. The pred is making me really wired too, I am getting on my own nerves so I am sure everyone around me is ready for me to come off of them. Luckily I only have 3 more days of pred, including today - YEAH!!!

Daddy is doing a lot better, much to our surprise. We really didn't think we would be where we are today, but he & God have surprised us once again. He is a very strong man. Mama said that yesterday they CNA at Universal said he feed himself, which is great. He hasn't eaten since last weekend & all he had been on was IV fluids. Bless his heart, I know he must have been hungry. They also moved him off puree foods & up to mechanical soft which is really tiny bites of food but he didn't care at all.

I talked to Mama today & she said his personality is back too, which we haven't seen in months. She went to see him this morning & told him she was glad to see him & that he looked good. He responded to her, "No, you look good!" Daddy has always been a big flirt when it came to Mama, he would give her compliments all day long if she would allow it. I am not real sure if he knows who we are though, he looks at us with a blank stare & doesn't really respond but Mama says he gives her that look too. At least he calls her by name. We don't think he knows what happened either, which is fine with us. I am not real sure how much he would comprehend or absorb anyway. Thanks for all the prayers, thoughts & kind words on his behalf I can't tell you how much we appreciate it.

Babies everywhere...

I forgot to tell you what Dr. Crain at REACH had to say about my biopsy. The test results didn't come back exactly as he had hoped but they weren't bad either. A good result is >20% of marginal progesterone in the uterine lining & mine was 30%. Which you would think would be good, but no. So he told us we could go ahead & proceed as normal with the IVF cycle or seek treat to try to get the best possible stats for my uterine lining.

Well the treatment, if we choose to except it, would be a DNC (I know yuck), 2 months for Lupron Depot (which is not the same Lupron I am taking now), antibiotics, pred, progesterone shots & then another biopsy. He also told us we don't have to do the treatment at all, he felt completely comfortable with my chances of getting pregnant without the treatment but of course it was completely up to us. Well I am not dummy, we choose to go ahead with the IVF cycle as planned. We can always do treatment later if this first cycle doesn't work.

So I spoke to my IVF nurse this morning & he gave me my orders to continue taking my Lupron shots each night & to report to the office first thing Monday morning for labs & an ultrasound. He also said I will most likely start my estrogen patchs Monday afternoon. Now this means that we should be on schedule to have the transfer the second week in Feb, wow that is not far away at all. I am getting so excited. I could know a month from now that I am pregnant - yeah. Lets all start saying our prayers early.

Then I got an email from Lifetime yesterday afternoon for an urgent birthmother need. There is a birthmother in Nevada, I think, that is due in Feb with a caucasion boy. The material grandfather was diagnosed with FSP muscular distrophy which is commonly passed down to boy babies. It also said that the baby appeared to be growing as normal in uterio at the most recent ultrasound. Well this made us all a little nervous, especially since none of us had ever heard of this type of MD. So we started looking it up online & found that this type of MD doesn't even show up until the child is a teen or young adult. 50% of those who have the disease are able to walk & most live a normal live span. Well we didn't like our odds & the fact that you would always be worried if our child would end up getting sick later in life. I went ahead & emailed our coordinator back & declined our profile to be shown to this birthmother - it is just too risky.

Now can you believe that all of this happened in one day, on top of everything already going on with Daddy being in the hospital & me being sick. Talk about stress, it is a wonder we are all still walking around today. We need some rest. Luckily it snowed over night & Chris got to sleep in a little & we didn't head out to see Daddy today until 11:30 so we all had some needed rest. We should all caught up on our sleep over the weekend.

Tears from Angie

This was my comment to Chris & Mama late Tuesday night. I actually woke up on Tuesday morning really tired from the day before, but felt like I was turning the corner from being sick. Then as the day progressed I really went down hill, my first clue was when I told my oldest sister Karen that I didn't feel good & she said what's wrong & I said I don't know I just feel terrible, with tears rolling down my face. As the night progressed I was crying about everything, coughing my head off & by 9pm I couldn't stop coughing. I coughed so much I made my throat swell & was having trouble swallowing & breathing. Of course you guessed it, I cried some more. Then Chris & Mama both cornered me at the same time & said it is time for you to go downstairs to the ER. Yes, I cried even more, "I don't want to go to the ER." Well to make this sorry much shorter I agreed to go the the urgent care first thing Wed. morning instead. Then on our way home from the hospital Mama called (11:30pm) & said she would arrange for me to have an appointment with her doctor (she is an RN for an Internal Medicine doctor) & I needed to be there by 8:15am no questions asked & of course I agreed. How could I not, Mama didn't really give me a choice, she said this is what you are going to do.

So I went & guess what I had a sinus infection with some bronical inflammation which is why I couldn't breath. He gave me antibiotics & pred & then proceeded to tell me that I needed to wait 1-2 days before I went back to see Daddy. Yep you guessed it I cried again & he quickly told me just to keep my distance from him like I had already been doing & everything would be fine.

Then later that morning we had an appointment with REACH to get the results of my byopsy I had done in Dec. to check the lining of my uterus. While talking to him I cried again & I don't even remember what made me cry that time, it must have been something small & silly. It may have been just as simple him asking how I was, I really don't remember.

Then once I got the hospital & met up with my Mama & siblings to eat lunch I was telling them about all my appointments that morning & they made me cry too. They snapped at me & I just bursted into tears. I don't mean little ones I was sobbing like a child I was crying so hard. Of course once I calmed down & assured them that they didn't hurt my feeling that I was just really fragile & had been crying all morning. Mama said oh great now we have to be extra sensitive to you. We had been snappy with each other all week & had been laughing about it, we all knew we were very tired/stress so none of us were taking it to heart. We are a very close family & don't fight so it was all in fun/games. We had to pass the time somehow.